So, I've been really thinking about this whole "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" thing. I am in complete agreement that nobody in this country should be barred from choosing whatever career path. I am an army brat so I know a little bit about military life. My father was a lifer in the military. He served for 30 years and retired reluctantly. I remember when the U.S. invaded Iraq, the first time. My dad sat watching the television with a child-like excitement. Sort of the way I used to watch SNL when I was young, waiting to see if Rosanne Rosanneadanna was going to give one of her hilarious editorials. At one point, while watching the invasion, he lamented that he wasn't in the army anymore. He really wanted to be there. So, I understand that some people really have a calling to be in service to our country in that way. And, anybody, regardless of their consensual, adult sexual partner, should be allowed, if not encouraged, to do that. Trust me, there are straight people that I would rather not imagine having sex. I just don't try to legislate my disgust.
I think it's great that there are gay men and women who want to serve our country. I want them to serve our country. I want them to learn everything they can about combat and combat weapons. I want them to learn this so that when they get out they will pass this information on to the rest of us. I really think it's time that the gays had a militia.
It is time to break the glass ceiling of militias in this country. Why should militias in this country be the sole jurisdiction of straight, white-supremacist men? If we are going to have equality in everything then let's buy some property in the Rocky Mountain states and make a quaint little camp. I mean, after all, there are few things gayer than going to camp. People call gay humor "camp". We could call it Camp Camp. It's about time that the gay community had a militant branch.
I remember having a conversation with my friend David backstage at Second City. We were discussing the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960's because we had exhausted our normal topics. Which is the more influential rock band The Beatles or The Rolling Stones? How he would only see movies with titles that told him what the movie was about. For example, Star Wars, it takes place in the stars and there's a war. And last but not least, how much he liked having anal sex with women. Anyway, I said that Martin Luther King obviously made the Civil Rights Amendment happen. He disagreed and said that if it hadn't been for the Black Panther movement that the Civil Rights Amendment would never have happened. I remember being taken aback by this and arguing about it. But I had to take his word for it. I mean, after all, he's black. Now, I really see his point. Might makes right for a lot of people in this country and if you don't pose a physical threat they won't take you seriously.
Here's a case in point. Why does Eminem ubiquitously use the derogatory word that refers to gay people that begins with F yet he never uses the derogatory word that refers to black people that begins with N? First of all, let's get one thing clear, I have no problem with Eminem. I think he's a great artist and has a lot of interesting things to say. Some of my best friends are Eminems. Second of all, it's very difficult not to use "those words" while writing this but I will try not too, lest I offend Dr. Laura. I have a theory as to why Eminem uses f----- and not n----- (What is this, Hangman?). Because, at the end of the day, Eminem is not worried about a bunch of gay men kicking his ass or shooting him.
Let's face it none of us are worried about that. The only thing you're worried about when you pass by a gaggle of gays (yes, gaggle is the proper term) is what you're wearing. Even if you're a hot straight guy passing a gaggle of gays, the biggest thing you're worried about is if you're going to accept the blow job you will be offered. Of course, you will. Does that make you gay? Yes, it does. I think if Eminem was worried about a huge gay guy dangling him over the balcony of a high-rise or getting shot in a drive-by by a Jeep full of lesbians he'd change his tune, literally.
Another case in point, why do people say something is "gay" when they refer to something they don't like. "Oh, that was gay", "Don't be so gay", "Marcia GAY Harden". That's offensive to gay people. When someone says "That's so gay", I always want to respond "You mean, that's so well-dressed, well-educated and handsome"? And don't tell me that that negative meaning is what "gay" means. "Gay" originally meant lighthearted and carefree. Knowing that definition I'm now not sure how that became associated with homosexual men. I mean, if you looked at my life, the term wouldn't be "gay" it would be "anxious". "Oh, my God, y'all did you hear that Martin is anxious?", "Oh, c'mon, it was obvious. He's soooo anxious.", "Dude, that movie was totally anxious". Of course, if you looked at that guy from Flipping Out on Bravo you'd just refer to gays as "assholes".
It wasn't until "gay" became associated with homosexuals that the negative connotation came about. So when you say "That was soooo gay" you are insulting me and people like me, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. I think you'd be less likely to use it that way if you knew me and my homie(os) would fuck up your grill. I don't care if it's a gas grill.
But, I digress. So, we need to get some kick ass gay people involved in a militia and the first step toward doing that is getting more gay people into the military. I, for one, am ready to learn how to vent my anger by killing people rather than by bitching to my friends and rolling my eyes. Those ocular muscles are going to give out at some point. Then where will I be?
So go forth brothers and sisters. Go fight for our country and bring back what you learn. We will be here looking for property in the Rocky Mountain states, probably close to Denver because even a militia needs to go for cocktails and dancing every once in a while. Maybe we can find some property with a great bi-level Victorian with a wrap-around porch. Not because it's cute but because the wrap-around porch provides a 360 degree observation point. I'm so excited. I'm going to Old Navy right now to buy a pair of camo cargo shorts. Semper Fi-erce!!!
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