THE GAY AGENDA

I can't believe that the religious right has found us out.  There is a gay agenda.  I meet with all the gays  in America at a place which will remain secret for the time being.  Okay I'll let you know this much.  They serve coffee there and it's really quaint.  It reminds us all of that little cafe in Paris.  It's very difficult to get all of us in the same place at the same time but somehow we make time, usually during a rerun of an episode of "2 1/2 Men". 

An agenda takes a lot of planning.  Every meeting pretty much starts out the same.  We read the minutes from the last meeting and make witty comments about them.  We then welcome and initiate all the new gays that we have recruited or created by our mere existence.  It's really easy to get recruits because gays are so revered in our society. People are coming out of the wood work to join. 

The initiation ceremony consists of a number of events.  The first being a multiple choice test.  All our new members are asked questions like, "Who won America's Next Top Model Cycle 3?", "Who are you wearing?" and "Why don't you like me?".  One must score at least a 70 on this test, otherwise you are sent to a special school for the Closeted where you will be sent to work as an assistant for the Attorney General of Michigan or a preacher.  It's your choice.  We are nothing if not fair. 

If you do pass the multiple choice portion of the initiation then you move on to the obstacle course portion.  Firstly, one must negotiate a catwalk in a pair of Vivienne Westwood shoes.  You know the kind that felled Naomi Campbell.  If you don't know that reference then don't show up for one of our meetings.  You must then take off all your clothes and put a little towel around your waist and try and make it past "catty bitch alley".  There, a group of really effeminate men will criticize every inch of your body and/or personality until you cry or sleep with one of them.  More than likely you will do both but not necessarily in that order.  Then you have to make it past the "batty butch alley" where a bunch of really macho straight guys will gang up on you and beat you up with bats while calling you really derogatory names for homosexuals until you cry or sleep with one of them.  More than likely you will do both but not necessarily in that order.  Then you have to make it past "Kirstie Alley", without gaining weight, until you cry or sleep with her.  More than likely both which makes you even gayer.  The perfunctory dance portion is relatively easy and, of course, you must purchase a gym membership before moving on to the baptism.

The baptism is one of our most solemn ceremonies.  You will be baptized in a hot tub filled with Le Male, Jean-Paul Gaultier's latest scent.  You will also have to spell Jean-Paul Gaultier without looking it up on Google.  You will then be greeted by all your fellow gays in the traditional way, throwing their arms straight up in the air while waving their hand exagerratedly and saying "Over here".  This, of course, was developed to let everybody, at whatever bar you're at tonight, know that you have friends.

After being baptized, you will have to do what every good gay man does, go door to door and testify.  Get dressed first.  You will then go through your neighborhood, that used to be the bad part of town until you and a gaggle of gays gentrified the shit out of it, and knock on your neighbors' doors and be a witness to them about how great it is to be gay.  I mean, after all, just like many on the Fundamentalist Christian Right say we can't procreate so we have to increase our numbers somehow.  That's why we go door to door trying to convince people to be just like us, unlike the Fundamentalist Christian Right.

I usually start out a conversation with a non-gay by saying, "Have you heard the good news . . . about Lady Gaga?" and then I regale them with my knowledge of all of her concert dates.  I use Lady Gaga because Madonna and Cher aren't on tour right now.  You must keep up with that information.  You must also let them know if they don't go to the concert they are going to burn in hell for all eternity.  Truth be told, they probably won't but it's for their own good.  The dancing alone is going to be AMAZING. 

If they don't want to talk to me then I pray that they will realize the error of their ways.  Like their using carpet instead of wood floors.  Don't they know open layouts are the way to go nowadays.  They didn't even have granite counters.  Pray hard for them. 

No matter the outcome of our missionary endeavors we , unlike the Fundamentalist Christian Right, take comfort in the fact that everybody who isn't like us is going to suffer for all eternity.  We can do all of this and be successful at it because we, as gays, are incredibly monolithic in our thinking and kick people out of our party if they don't tow the line, unlike the Fundamentalist Christian Right.  Let's face it the only way we are ever going to have a peaceful world is if everybody is the same right?  That's OUR agenda?