ONCE AGAIN, WITH CON-VICK-TION

 I was watching the Eagles/Redskins game last night on Monday Night Football.  Yes, I like football and I’m gay.  Let me correct that.  I love football.  I look forward to the beginning of the football season like I used to look forward to the first day of school when I was little.  Oh, come on, you know you laid out all your clothes the day before school started to pick the perfect “First Day of School” outfit.  Okay, maybe that’s a little more stereotypically gay of me than my affinity for football. It’s an archaic stereotype that gays don’t like sports.  I have many gay friends that like sports.  It is possible to get excited about a well-run screen and get equally excited about the opening of Burlesque on November 24.  I can’t wait!  Now if Christina Aguilera and Cher run a perfect screen play in the movie I will die from happiness.

My NFL team is the Dallas Cowboys.  I have been following the Cowboys since I was 12.  My initial allegiance was flimsy I’ll admit.  It was because the Cowboys were playing in the first Superbowl I watched.  It was when we were on our last tour of Germany.  The Cowboys were playing the Denver Broncos and all I knew at the time was they were from Texas and I was born in Texas.  That was enough of a reason then.  Not to mention the game was phenomenal and the Cowboys won.  I stayed up watching it until the wee hours of the morning because it didn’t start until 12am or something because of the time difference.  I wasn’t supposed to stay up and watch it but my parents went to a friend’s house to watch it and I was home by myself so I disobeyed my parents.  Maybe that’s another reason I like the Dallas Cowboys.

Any way let’s get back to the Eagles/Redskins game.  So, in case you didn’t see it, the Eagles annihilated the Redskins.  They were up 28-0 in the first quarter.  It was kind of a yawner.  Michael Vick was amazing in the game.  He’s truly a gifted athlete.  The announcers were gushing about him, ad nauseum, during the entire game.  It got to be a bit much.  At one point, Jon Gruden said something to the effect that Michael Vick is amazing because he overcame so much to get to this point.  He was referring to Vick’s stint in jail for killing and abusing pit bulls on the grounds of his mansion. 

Now, I love a comeback just like the next person, but saying that Michael Vick has overcome so much since his incarceration to get his career back is RIDICULOUS!  You can say that he overcame a lot to become a professional athlete.  My understanding is that his childhood was not an easy one.  I think it’s great that he overcame poverty and such to get a scholarship to college and then made it to the pros, but that’s where I get off the “Michael Vick overcame so much” train. 

He got arrested while he was a quarterback for a professional team, the Atlanta Falcons.  He was incredibly wealthy.  He spit on the very opportunity that he worked so hard to get.  When he got busted, he could afford the best lawyers.  As a result, he got off with not a lot of time in jail.  If a normal person had gotten arrested for the same thing he probably would have ended up with a lot more time.  A normal person wouldn’t have had all the fancy lawyers that money can buy.  That same person would not have had every NFL team vying for his services when he got out of jail.  Normal guy wouldn’t have been guaranteed hundreds of thousands, and now millions, of dollars when he got out of jail. 

He did not have to overcome that much.  He just had to not get in any more trouble and contain his “I can get away with anything” professional athlete attitude.  If a celebrity had done the same thing, people would never stop criticizing them.  I think athletes get away with a shitload more than celebrities.  Even the football players at my high school thought they should be able to do whatever they wanted, and they sucked.  Our football team always sucked.  There were more fans of our school band than of our football team, but they still felt entitled. 

Michael Vick is an amazing athlete and had one of the most incredible quarterback performances I have ever seen this past Monday night.  However, he is not to be admired for all he overcame because he didn’t overcome anything, except the primrose path that was laid out for him because of his potential value to an NFL team.  He didn’t save a bunch of people in a burning building.  He didn’t survive cancer.  He didn’t get wounded fighting for his country.  He went to jail and he deserved to go to jail.  He came out and all he had to do was play football well, which shouldn’t be too hard since he’s been playing it since he was a child.  He’s been getting paid for it in one way or another since high school.  I wish all people who made mistakes would get the same opportunities when they get out of jail.  They will not.

So congratulations to Michael Vick for an amazing feat.  I’m glad you are doing well, but remember where hubris led you before.  You are not a hero for doing this after getting out of jail.  You are just a person who got a second chance and was smart enough to not fuck it up, so far.  By the way, I’m not a member of PETA.  Those guys annoy me too.  And I’m not writing this because you play for a team I despise.  I despise the Redskins more and you don’t see me writing about Donovan McNabb.  I’m writing this to remind everybody that Burlesque opens November 24.  Go Cowboys!

SON OF THE CURSE OF THE THIMBLE

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DON'T LOOK BACK . . . BITCH!

I recently saw a documentary on the History Channel about Hades.  Hades was the Greek god of the Underworld.  He was basically the Greek version of Satan, except not as red or horned.  The documentary went through how Hades came to become the god of the Underworld.  He got tricked by his brothers, Zeus and Poseidon, after they had all defeated the Titans, who were their parents.  The 3 drew straws to determine who would be the god of which realm.  Hades drew the short straw and, even though he was the eldest, was relegated to the Underworld with Zeus dominating the Heavens and Poseidon ruling the oceans.  This is what always confuses me about gods.  Wouldn't Hades have already known what was going to happen?  Or is it just the God of the Christians that is and knows everything?

Anyway, Hades was not too pleased to have dominion over the Underworld.  Who can blame him really?  As a result, Hades was not the most pleasant god to deal with.  One exception to this statement was Hades' interaction with Orpheus.  Orpheus was a master musician.  According to legend, he played the lyre with such proficiency that his music would melt anybody's heart. 

Orpheus falls in love with a woman named Eurydice.  Well we all know that humans are not allowed to be happy for very long in these stories so you know something's gotta give.  One day, Eurydice is walking in the countryside and a satyr, half man-half goat, attacks her.  Now satyrs are known to be experts at one thing and one thing only, raping.  Being committed to his craft, the satyr attacks Eurydice and she flees.  As she flees the satyr, she stumbles and falls into a pit full of vipers.  Now who left that there?  She is bitten, but instead of having multiple viper wounds, apparently, she is bitten only once on the heel and that's what kills her.  What is it with the Greeks and wounds to the heel?  Like getting wounded anywhere else is not going to kill you.  I can just imagine some dialogue from CSI:  Mt. Olympus, "Oh, they stabbed him through the heart with a tree but I think it's this scratch on his heel that did the real damage."  The point is that Eurydice dies and Orpheus is beside himself with grief. 

Brokenhearted, he starts to play his lyre and the gods all become completely consumed with grief.  They suggest that Orpheus go to the Underworld and speak with Hades and try to get him to let Eurydice go.  He journeys down to the Underworld and through determination and lyre-playing he makes it to Hades' lair.  There, he, once again, plays his lyre but this time for Hades and Persephone, Hades' wife.  Their hearts are softened by Orpheus' playing.  Hades finally says that Eurydice can leave on one condition.  There's always a condition.  He can leave with his love, but he has to walk ahead and trust that Eurydice is behind him.  If he looks back for Eurydice before both of them reach the Upper World, Eurydice will be sucked back down to the Underworld forever. 

Orpheus starts walking.  He does not look back, but his anxiety and excitement get the best of him when he reaches the Upper World.  He looks back to make sure Eurydice is there, but he forgot that they BOTH have to have reached the Upper World.  Eurydice is still on the other side of the border between the Upper and Under Worlds.  Apparently he hadn't seen that she was on the other side of the sign that read "Welcome to the Upper World: If You Lived Here You'd Be Home By Now".  As a result, she is sucked back down to the Underworld forever and Orpheus is screwed. 

This story is, as many others, paralleled in the Bible.  The story of Lot and his wife has it that Sodom and Gomorrah are going to be destroyed by God.  God tells them all not to look back at the cities or they will perish.  Lot's wife, famously, looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt.  I don't really understand why it's a pillar of salt.  Maybe in addition to being a lesson about faith it's also a warning about the effects of too much salt on your health.

These stories have become embedded in my head recently because I feel I have been looking back a little too much.  Does that mean I have no faith?  I don't think so.  My problem is, isn't looking back kind of human nature?  How can a god tell a human not to look back.  All we have are ways to look back.  We have year-end lists.  We have pictures.  We have videos.  We have biographies, autobiographies and history books.  We have the, aforementioned, History Channel.  Is the History Channel contributing to my lack of faith?  There is a famous saying "He who does not learn from the past is destined to repeat it".  So who are the gods or God to tell us to have faith and not look back. 

It's always comforting to look back at the past.  Because it has already happened.  You know how it turns out.  Since you are still alive you know that it turned out pretty well.  So it's natural to long for something that already turned out all right.  The problem is we forget the bad times that led to that good time.  We glamorize what has already occurred because we, as humans, tend to remember the good parts more than the bad. 

My main point was really about the gods or God testing our faith.  Why would a supreme being need to test human beings?  Doesn't He already know that we are flawed because He made us that way?  So if He knows we're flawed then He knows that we are not going to pass the test.  That's kind of mean, isn't it?  People say it's about choices but He already knows which choice we're going to make because He knows and sees everything.  What's He hoping for, a surprise.  He's omniscient.  How is He going to be surprised?  So what's the point? 

Why put the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden to tempt Adam and Eve?  You already know what's going to happen.  If that's not enough, you specifically tell them not to eat the fruit from the tree.  I'm an improviser and I know that the worst thing you can do is tell me not to say or think something because as soon as you tell me that that's all I'm going to think about and more than likely say.  So not only did He know that Adam and Eve would fail, He also knew that if He put it in their heads they would be thinking about it constantly.  "Why doesn't He want me to eat that fruit?"  "That fruit looks delicious!"  "Is that an apple or a pomegranate?  Only one way to find out.  Kowabunga!"

Then he allows Satan to tempt them.  Now I know Satan is supposed to be God's nemesis, but if God knows everything and controls everything, doesn't that mean He controls Satan as well?  Otherwise you are saying that Satan is equal to God or even more powerful than God.  God had to know that the snake would end up in the tree and tempt Eve.  So why put the snake there?  Why create Eve when you know she's going to screw up?  Why create Adam when you know this creation is, apparently, a mindless simpleton who'll do anything someone asks him to?  Why do any of it if you are only going to punish everyone for being what you made them?  In the end, wouldn't that make you responsible for anything bad that happens?

How can you ask me to have faith in you if you are constantly trying to trick me?  That goes for Hades' and his condition for Orpheus.  That goes for Zeus and his penchant for tricking women into thinking that he's a harmless goose, or some other animal, and then attacking them.  Who knows how may innocent geese were wrongly incarcerated for sexual assault because of his trickery.  That goes for a God that tells Abraham to kill his son and then says "Psyche, just kidding."  Or A God that turns a fallible wife into a margarita glass topping.

This is all based on archaic views of God in my opinion.  That archaic God would have you think that you will never be good enough.  What a horrible way to go through life.  Obviously, that archaic God has no faith in us.  You gotta give to get, right?  I think I would rather think of God as someone who accepts me as I am.  Who accepts me with the flaws and chinks that He gave me.  That's a God in which I can have faith.  That's a God that is truly superior and not subject to emotions and actions that are those of the basest and least respected human beings on this planet.  That's a God that completes me.  I can say to that God, "You Hades me at hello!"  Too far?